Dying

Tonight is the first time I have considered killing myself in years. I had a huge fight with my mother, we seem to have one atleast once a month. I am extremely unhappy with my life right now. I kinda figure I would do certain people a favor if I no longer lived. Right now I feel I'm surronded by people who could careless about me and if I show up in the kitchen the next morning or walk through the front door.

I don't make my mother happy anymore. My brother barely comes around but I don't exactly try to keep our relationship going. I always say I wanna hang out but I constantly never do it. I don't know why.

I am sitting on my bed with a sharp peice of a broken CD putting scratches into my arm because I am to much of a whimp to go any deeper.

I thought this was suppose to be the time of my life and right now it's the worst.

I don't wanna live anymore, I don't want to feel the pain I have been feeling, it's not worth it anymore.

I'm fooling myself

So it's 4:15am and I'm sick as a dog. Should be sleeping but my heart is keeping me awake. I'm looking over pictures of this year and i'm remembering the timeline of each photo. This year has been a nightmare from day one, literally.

I wish I could wake up, this is all dream. Someone tell me this is a joke. I don't have MS, the love of my life didn't leave me so cruelly. Someone please, pinch me so I can awake to the true reality. I don't want this life.

I want to be happy! I just want to be happy........
Is that so hard to ask for....

I don't think certain people realize the turmoil that is playing in my head. The what if's, the what could have been.
Why is it that something that was so amazing be ripped away from you in an instant. Leave you there in shock, not knowing where to look next. Cause thats exactly how I'm feeling, i've been feeling.this. I'm trying to keep my feet planted but life has other plans. I almost feel like I need to be saved, how pathetic is that?

I need some type of luck to start heading my way, or maybe I need to stop letting people push me over. God I.don't like this overwheling feeling of dark. I miss my light.

So my life is in shambles again, what else is new........

Well I've been away a while because of computer wifi problems. I found out tonight that I could finally use my phone to get on here. Things have definitely been interesting with me since I last logged on. My ex and I have been sleeping together since the end of may as you probably read before but to me it doesn't feel like much has xhanged accept now we have ni title and are not saying I love you. There is a good amount of people who still think we are together or atleast bound to be together but it's hard to say mainly because I do not know the future. Though, I certainly wish I did because when I'm with him it feels like he has an eternal battle going on atleast towards me buuut I can be completely wrong which wouldn't be the first with him. Though I can feel certain things brewing more on that later.

I've also been dealing with my whole MS developement. I still have yet to be put in any type of medication for it yet so I guess well see how that goes though I am not keeping my fingers crossed since my medical will officially be run out by november and that is because my mother is on disability. -_-

Another thing to develope is my job has gone straight to hell. This had nothing to do with me but my managers mistrust.

I'm in utter stress mode and I know it's not good for me to be.

Well I just wanted to put up a quick note. Btw sorry for all the spelling errors.

As much as I dont want to admitt

Mystery illness becomes lifelong Disease

So as of july 2011, i will probably be diagnosed with having multiple sclerosis, this is a auto immune disease and can leave me permenantly disabled. scary yes. but not something i will let stop from getting a decent education and being able to live the life i've always wanted. This of course will forever change me and my life but it's gonna keep moving wether i like it or not. I do wish I had someone other then family and friends to lean but that moment has passed me and I am going to have to learn how to stand on my own two feet. Now whats being affected by this MS is my left side, all of it well got to go talk more later.

When the heart speaks...What do you do?

you slam it against the ground till it shuts up.

at least that is something i wish i could do. I know it's been since I've been on but all I've been doing lately is working my pretty little butt off. Keeping my mind busy of what I really feel. Lately it's been quite but it's been a week + since I last cried. That's a record. Though for the last week my thumb and pointing finger has been tingling and numb. They are swollen and stiff. I almost do think it's arthritis but I am not a doctor. I hope my insurance will be back on Monday because I need to get checked asap. Above all other things in my life. I almost wish I was this woman below, so carefree looking, confident, sexy, free....I think it's time I do something with myself and I'm not just saying being healthier but finding a better job

A Long Road Ahead....

This past Friday, I did something not every right minded girl after a heart breaking break up would do. Sleep with her Ex. I don't know exactly what is going on with me but maybe I want so desperately for us to stay connected that I thought sleeping with him would be a way for that to happen. I can't deny that our sex is amazing and that when were involved in that way it sends sparks to my soul. Yes what he did was fucked up and that he didn't do as much as I did for him. But I can't explain what he really did do for me, I don't know the words or maybe I just don't have the intelligence but I know I'm incredible woman. That no matter what man chooses to be with me will be lucky to even had me in the capacity that G had had. I wish people could see how happy I was, that even what little love he had given me while we were together was so full filling it was almost  a myth. I want people to see him in my eyes. To feel what I feel, especially that connection he even admitted that we had. One of my all time favorites was that we were amazing together, even if he doesn't want to admit what he really feels towards me. When I saw him friday he acted shy and with respect or I wouldn't have done what I did. I have so many words floating in my head I don't know what to say anymore but that as of right I'm sticking with the words I Love You

Torture of the heart

When ever I see this face it will always make my heart stop, I don't know what my feelingture but for now these words ring true for me. There may be people in my life that may not like to hear that even after how things went down I still feel as if I want to say I love you. He stopped by my work a week or two ago and when things were said n' done we hugged I felt this flame ignite as if almost our hearts didn't want to let go. I was not the only one who noticed my customers noticed too. Maybe also it was all in my head because I want so much for things to come back together like sugar and water. They soak together beautifully and make caramel. Something the entire world loves. Though he has own rights to how he feels and all I can do is have hope, see if things work out how I would love them too or just accept the fact that all well ever be is friends which in all truth is not what I want exactly but I'll play his game for now. If it's something I can't handle I'll figure out something I can do. No matter how much right now that I want to walk away, my heart tells me not too. Something is telling me to stay to try and see where this road leads. I want this face to love me as much as I do him and not be compelled to throw me away but of course I am not fate nor am I god. I can't pull the heart strings no matter how much I wish I could. This man has stolen, yes stolen a piece of my heart I never thought no man could do

 even with a past relationship that I had with a certain person I almost feel this triumphs the connection I have with this person. I feel as if maybe things are fooling with me. I've been constantly keeping myself busy to try not to think of the situation so the tears would stop. Nobody doesn't really understand how I feel besides a few people. Some people ask so are you over him? he's no good for you but right now I don't see it. I think I refuse too. Someone anyone give me a sign? tell me where am I going? I felt like I had my life planned out but now all I want to do is scream

Heart Break and So On.......

So I'm sitting here tonight, bathing in moon light.
Watching my stars passing me by.
I can see what future I had pictured pass me by.
My stars felt as if they aligned, that they were sparkling and being ferocious.
Now as the days has passed since my heart was broken in two but the connection I felt is still wildly alive.
My emotions are so confused and my mind even worse.
Now with all these signs clouding my mind and my soul I see possibly more quakes heading my way.
I can see my ground shaking and turning into water my lungs filling with water, I stop suddenly stop breathing and things start going dark.
I'm not sure what to believe cause every word that comes out of your mouth feels like excuses though, when we hug something ignites with such fury that I swear even you can't deny it.
But there you are fooling yourself that we don't have anything, that you don't love me as much as you really do but when I talk to you, you sound convinced that what you decided was what you really felt but i don't know the true depths of your mind
So I'm sitting here in my moon light holding onto what tincy hope my heart feels. I can't deny what I feel and I'd rather not lie to myself too

Today has been a weird day

Since nobody is really reading this, I'm basically able to speak my mind. I'm not sure if today was weird because of womanly things or because half of this year is just about done and over with. Maybe people smell the difference with my body LOL So here's a little story, I was at work this afternoon and I was handing a older black gentlemen his order and he asked for a sauce and it's by my feet so I had to bend over in order to get it while I did so, he took the opportunity to check my ass out -__- then he made some manly noise then asked if I was single, at least this was partly polite hahahaha, I laughed and said yes he said You fo' real. Of course I laughed again and said I'm serious. This man then said whoever your with is one lucky person, one lucky person. It's not unusual for me to get hit on while I'm at work but it is so weird for me to get this type of attention, whomever is reading you have to understand while growing up I hardly got this type of attention which is hard for some to believe. I myself is amazed whenever this happens not really sure why but my loving boyfriend explained this amazing phenommom (ignore my terrible spelling). Now on the way home this Latin kid, i say kid because he is only 20 lol iono I just find this funny. He had a very cute Pitt bull with him, I snuck a photo of her LOL. He suddenly started talking to me and I don't think much of it until he asked my age and ethnicity, then I knew he wanted to know more. He never once asked if I had a BF but fellas this chica is taken! He wasn't bad lookin' but he couldn't beat my novio. Jeanie if your reading this you know what I mean right?

So that's my adventure today, it was fun, tiring, and also self discovering. I do hope one day this amazement of guys hitting on me will go away and I will have the confidence to know I am worthy of any mans attention. I still have insecureness and my closest peeps know this.

I think I'll end here for now, I have a lot of laundry to fold : )

Old Memory's Fly Across The Sky

So tonight I work till closing at my job. I was on SF muni and the bus was passing by all these places I had been to with either friends or people I used to have strong feelings for. It's weird going by places you either had weird moments with or associate bad things with........so many things, so many things.

Maybe This is a good thing

When you see my life people have a tendency of saying it's typical, you shouldn't be worrying so much about things. Laugh some more, stop taking things so serious. Now I have no idea why I'm this way, I have always been the one to say stop when things start getting hairy and acting like the grown up. I actually hate feeling like i'm 5 years older then I am but my emotions fool me every time. I would love to have a balance but its either extreme or to little. I'm for sure programed different, not necessarily a bad thing but it for sure gets in the way I would love to live my life. I look at my brother and he works his ass off to maintain everything he has and I'm so proud of him, he is becoming the man he wants to be. As for me, I feel behind, like I'm slacking. I want everything now but that is not how things work. What I want is not necessarily the things I need.

Last April when I thought I was pregnant, I wasn't sure if my life would forever be changed or if I was even pregnant but the great thing is that I wasn't but I wanted it to be true but it wasn't what I needed. Kinda get what I said.

I know some of the things I said don't make sense but I for my mind and way of thinking does for me.

I better get some sleep

Rambles

Darkness is once again filling my soul.
Even with all the love that surrounds me from my family members there are certain ones that wish to see nothing better then to see me fall. Those people I would like no better then to slap around but what exactly can I do about them then to see let them get the better of me. I'm finding out there are family members who think very little of me and who think I will probably amount to nothing but be my mother in another generation form. I myself want nothing of that sort. I am dead scared that something will just fall on my path and keep from achieving what I want. I don't know where my career is headed or even if things will let me get there. I don't know what the future holds but I certainly hope it will lead to somewhere I never dreamed of. 


With everything that is happening in my life right now, I certainly don't know what to expect anymore. My mom is the hospital, my loving boyfriend was in the hospital just 3 months ago fighting to be strong again and get back to school so he can finally begin his life. These are two of the most loved people in my life wither they like it or not. My boyfriend and my mother had similar surgery's which freaks me out it's like god is trying to tell me to keep the things I cherish the most closer and not let life pull me away from them although I know I can't always protect them and I know one of these people won't always be in my life but I can love my brother and my mother for my entire life. 


I think I'm gonna stop here for now

Welcome to my life

This blog will mainly express my feelings, my thoughts, my worries, my doubts, my outlook on life. Poetry is my therapy my form of art, I'm just your average girl living in this world, follow my roller coaster ride!