Dying

Tonight is the first time I have considered killing myself in years. I had a huge fight with my mother, we seem to have one atleast once a month. I am extremely unhappy with my life right now. I kinda figure I would do certain people a favor if I no longer lived. Right now I feel I'm surronded by people who could careless about me and if I show up in the kitchen the next morning or walk through the front door.

I don't make my mother happy anymore. My brother barely comes around but I don't exactly try to keep our relationship going. I always say I wanna hang out but I constantly never do it. I don't know why.

I am sitting on my bed with a sharp peice of a broken CD putting scratches into my arm because I am to much of a whimp to go any deeper.

I thought this was suppose to be the time of my life and right now it's the worst.

I don't wanna live anymore, I don't want to feel the pain I have been feeling, it's not worth it anymore.

I'm fooling myself

So it's 4:15am and I'm sick as a dog. Should be sleeping but my heart is keeping me awake. I'm looking over pictures of this year and i'm remembering the timeline of each photo. This year has been a nightmare from day one, literally.

I wish I could wake up, this is all dream. Someone tell me this is a joke. I don't have MS, the love of my life didn't leave me so cruelly. Someone please, pinch me so I can awake to the true reality. I don't want this life.

I want to be happy! I just want to be happy........
Is that so hard to ask for....

I don't think certain people realize the turmoil that is playing in my head. The what if's, the what could have been.
Why is it that something that was so amazing be ripped away from you in an instant. Leave you there in shock, not knowing where to look next. Cause thats exactly how I'm feeling, i've been feeling.this. I'm trying to keep my feet planted but life has other plans. I almost feel like I need to be saved, how pathetic is that?

I need some type of luck to start heading my way, or maybe I need to stop letting people push me over. God I.don't like this overwheling feeling of dark. I miss my light.

So my life is in shambles again, what else is new........

Well I've been away a while because of computer wifi problems. I found out tonight that I could finally use my phone to get on here. Things have definitely been interesting with me since I last logged on. My ex and I have been sleeping together since the end of may as you probably read before but to me it doesn't feel like much has xhanged accept now we have ni title and are not saying I love you. There is a good amount of people who still think we are together or atleast bound to be together but it's hard to say mainly because I do not know the future. Though, I certainly wish I did because when I'm with him it feels like he has an eternal battle going on atleast towards me buuut I can be completely wrong which wouldn't be the first with him. Though I can feel certain things brewing more on that later.

I've also been dealing with my whole MS developement. I still have yet to be put in any type of medication for it yet so I guess well see how that goes though I am not keeping my fingers crossed since my medical will officially be run out by november and that is because my mother is on disability. -_-

Another thing to develope is my job has gone straight to hell. This had nothing to do with me but my managers mistrust.

I'm in utter stress mode and I know it's not good for me to be.

Well I just wanted to put up a quick note. Btw sorry for all the spelling errors.