Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A Long Road Ahead....

This past Friday, I did something not every right minded girl after a heart breaking break up would do. Sleep with her Ex. I don't know exactly what is going on with me but maybe I want so desperately for us to stay connected that I thought sleeping with him would be a way for that to happen. I can't deny that our sex is amazing and that when were involved in that way it sends sparks to my soul. Yes what he did was fucked up and that he didn't do as much as I did for him. But I can't explain what he really did do for me, I don't know the words or maybe I just don't have the intelligence but I know I'm incredible woman. That no matter what man chooses to be with me will be lucky to even had me in the capacity that G had had. I wish people could see how happy I was, that even what little love he had given me while we were together was so full filling it was almost  a myth. I want people to see him in my eyes. To feel what I feel, especially that connection he even admitted that we had. One of my all time favorites was that we were amazing together, even if he doesn't want to admit what he really feels towards me. When I saw him friday he acted shy and with respect or I wouldn't have done what I did. I have so many words floating in my head I don't know what to say anymore but that as of right I'm sticking with the words I Love You

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Torture of the heart

When ever I see this face it will always make my heart stop, I don't know what my feelingture but for now these words ring true for me. There may be people in my life that may not like to hear that even after how things went down I still feel as if I want to say I love you. He stopped by my work a week or two ago and when things were said n' done we hugged I felt this flame ignite as if almost our hearts didn't want to let go. I was not the only one who noticed my customers noticed too. Maybe also it was all in my head because I want so much for things to come back together like sugar and water. They soak together beautifully and make caramel. Something the entire world loves. Though he has own rights to how he feels and all I can do is have hope, see if things work out how I would love them too or just accept the fact that all well ever be is friends which in all truth is not what I want exactly but I'll play his game for now. If it's something I can't handle I'll figure out something I can do. No matter how much right now that I want to walk away, my heart tells me not too. Something is telling me to stay to try and see where this road leads. I want this face to love me as much as I do him and not be compelled to throw me away but of course I am not fate nor am I god. I can't pull the heart strings no matter how much I wish I could. This man has stolen, yes stolen a piece of my heart I never thought no man could do
 even with a past relationship that I had with a certain person I almost feel this triumphs the connection I have with this person. I feel as if maybe things are fooling with me. I've been constantly keeping myself busy to try not to think of the situation so the tears would stop. Nobody doesn't really understand how I feel besides a few people. Some people ask so are you over him? he's no good for you but right now I don't see it. I think I refuse too. Someone anyone give me a sign? tell me where am I going? I felt like I had my life planned out but now all I want to do is scream

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Heart Break and So On.......

So I'm sitting here tonight, bathing in moon light.
Watching my stars passing me by.
I can see what future I had pictured pass me by.
My stars felt as if they aligned, that they were sparkling and being ferocious.
Now as the days has passed since my heart was broken in two but the connection I felt is still wildly alive.
My emotions are so confused and my mind even worse.
Now with all these signs clouding my mind and my soul I see possibly more quakes heading my way.
I can see my ground shaking and turning into water my lungs filling with water, I stop suddenly stop breathing and things start going dark.
I'm not sure what to believe cause every word that comes out of your mouth feels like excuses though, when we hug something ignites with such fury that I swear even you can't deny it.
But there you are fooling yourself that we don't have anything, that you don't love me as much as you really do but when I talk to you, you sound convinced that what you decided was what you really felt but i don't know the true depths of your mind
So I'm sitting here in my moon light holding onto what tincy hope my heart feels. I can't deny what I feel and I'd rather not lie to myself too

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Today has been a weird day

Since nobody is really reading this, I'm basically able to speak my mind. I'm not sure if today was weird because of womanly things or because half of this year is just about done and over with. Maybe people smell the difference with my body LOL So here's a little story, I was at work this afternoon and I was handing a older black gentlemen his order and he asked for a sauce and it's by my feet so I had to bend over in order to get it while I did so, he took the opportunity to check my ass out -__- then he made some manly noise then asked if I was single, at least this was partly polite hahahaha, I laughed and said yes he said You fo' real. Of course I laughed again and said I'm serious. This man then said whoever your with is one lucky person, one lucky person. It's not unusual for me to get hit on while I'm at work but it is so weird for me to get this type of attention, whomever is reading you have to understand while growing up I hardly got this type of attention which is hard for some to believe. I myself is amazed whenever this happens not really sure why but my loving boyfriend explained this amazing phenommom (ignore my terrible spelling). Now on the way home this Latin kid, i say kid because he is only 20 lol iono I just find this funny. He had a very cute Pitt bull with him, I snuck a photo of her LOL. He suddenly started talking to me and I don't think much of it until he asked my age and ethnicity, then I knew he wanted to know more. He never once asked if I had a BF but fellas this chica is taken! He wasn't bad lookin' but he couldn't beat my novio. Jeanie if your reading this you know what I mean right?

So that's my adventure today, it was fun, tiring, and also self discovering. I do hope one day this amazement of guys hitting on me will go away and I will have the confidence to know I am worthy of any mans attention. I still have insecureness and my closest peeps know this.

I think I'll end here for now, I have a lot of laundry to fold : )