Dying

Tonight is the first time I have considered killing myself in years. I had a huge fight with my mother, we seem to have one atleast once a month. I am extremely unhappy with my life right now. I kinda figure I would do certain people a favor if I no longer lived. Right now I feel I'm surronded by people who could careless about me and if I show up in the kitchen the next morning or walk through the front door.

I don't make my mother happy anymore. My brother barely comes around but I don't exactly try to keep our relationship going. I always say I wanna hang out but I constantly never do it. I don't know why.

I am sitting on my bed with a sharp peice of a broken CD putting scratches into my arm because I am to much of a whimp to go any deeper.

I thought this was suppose to be the time of my life and right now it's the worst.

I don't wanna live anymore, I don't want to feel the pain I have been feeling, it's not worth it anymore.

I'm fooling myself

So it's 4:15am and I'm sick as a dog. Should be sleeping but my heart is keeping me awake. I'm looking over pictures of this year and i'm remembering the timeline of each photo. This year has been a nightmare from day one, literally.

I wish I could wake up, this is all dream. Someone tell me this is a joke. I don't have MS, the love of my life didn't leave me so cruelly. Someone please, pinch me so I can awake to the true reality. I don't want this life.

I want to be happy! I just want to be happy........
Is that so hard to ask for....

I don't think certain people realize the turmoil that is playing in my head. The what if's, the what could have been.
Why is it that something that was so amazing be ripped away from you in an instant. Leave you there in shock, not knowing where to look next. Cause thats exactly how I'm feeling, i've been feeling.this. I'm trying to keep my feet planted but life has other plans. I almost feel like I need to be saved, how pathetic is that?

I need some type of luck to start heading my way, or maybe I need to stop letting people push me over. God I.don't like this overwheling feeling of dark. I miss my light.

So my life is in shambles again, what else is new........

Well I've been away a while because of computer wifi problems. I found out tonight that I could finally use my phone to get on here. Things have definitely been interesting with me since I last logged on. My ex and I have been sleeping together since the end of may as you probably read before but to me it doesn't feel like much has xhanged accept now we have ni title and are not saying I love you. There is a good amount of people who still think we are together or atleast bound to be together but it's hard to say mainly because I do not know the future. Though, I certainly wish I did because when I'm with him it feels like he has an eternal battle going on atleast towards me buuut I can be completely wrong which wouldn't be the first with him. Though I can feel certain things brewing more on that later.

I've also been dealing with my whole MS developement. I still have yet to be put in any type of medication for it yet so I guess well see how that goes though I am not keeping my fingers crossed since my medical will officially be run out by november and that is because my mother is on disability. -_-

Another thing to develope is my job has gone straight to hell. This had nothing to do with me but my managers mistrust.

I'm in utter stress mode and I know it's not good for me to be.

Well I just wanted to put up a quick note. Btw sorry for all the spelling errors.

As much as I dont want to admitt

Mystery illness becomes lifelong Disease

So as of july 2011, i will probably be diagnosed with having multiple sclerosis, this is a auto immune disease and can leave me permenantly disabled. scary yes. but not something i will let stop from getting a decent education and being able to live the life i've always wanted. This of course will forever change me and my life but it's gonna keep moving wether i like it or not. I do wish I had someone other then family and friends to lean but that moment has passed me and I am going to have to learn how to stand on my own two feet. Now whats being affected by this MS is my left side, all of it well got to go talk more later.

When the heart speaks...What do you do?

you slam it against the ground till it shuts up.

at least that is something i wish i could do. I know it's been since I've been on but all I've been doing lately is working my pretty little butt off. Keeping my mind busy of what I really feel. Lately it's been quite but it's been a week + since I last cried. That's a record. Though for the last week my thumb and pointing finger has been tingling and numb. They are swollen and stiff. I almost do think it's arthritis but I am not a doctor. I hope my insurance will be back on Monday because I need to get checked asap. Above all other things in my life. I almost wish I was this woman below, so carefree looking, confident, sexy, free....I think it's time I do something with myself and I'm not just saying being healthier but finding a better job

A Long Road Ahead....

This past Friday, I did something not every right minded girl after a heart breaking break up would do. Sleep with her Ex. I don't know exactly what is going on with me but maybe I want so desperately for us to stay connected that I thought sleeping with him would be a way for that to happen. I can't deny that our sex is amazing and that when were involved in that way it sends sparks to my soul. Yes what he did was fucked up and that he didn't do as much as I did for him. But I can't explain what he really did do for me, I don't know the words or maybe I just don't have the intelligence but I know I'm incredible woman. That no matter what man chooses to be with me will be lucky to even had me in the capacity that G had had. I wish people could see how happy I was, that even what little love he had given me while we were together was so full filling it was almost  a myth. I want people to see him in my eyes. To feel what I feel, especially that connection he even admitted that we had. One of my all time favorites was that we were amazing together, even if he doesn't want to admit what he really feels towards me. When I saw him friday he acted shy and with respect or I wouldn't have done what I did. I have so many words floating in my head I don't know what to say anymore but that as of right I'm sticking with the words I Love You